. . .

Sabi ni mama: "mahilig kang magtago ng basura!"

sa isip ko naman “ balang araw magkakaron din yan ng halaga”

. . . years passed, pero basura parin ang mga basura ko…
sa mata ko lang naman sila may value kahit maalikabok…

isang araw naisip ko sa puntong 'to tama naman si Helen, mahilig nga ako magtago ng mga bagay. bagay na obyus namang walang potential maging antique o tawagin vintage. Ayoko man aminin pero kung iisipin basura nga sila, sa simula hangang sa huli. Binulok ko lang sa kahon di naman napakinabangan, sumakop lang ng espasyo na sana nalagyan ko ng ibang bagay na may halaga o potential na magkaron ng value.

someone's got to do the job. . .

Buti nalang anjan si Boy. Galit sya sa kalat! sigurado 'di na magdadalawang isip yun na isupot o sunugin ang ayon kay helen 'mga basura' ko. 'Di tulad ko makailang beses ko nang pilit mag segregate dko tlaga maintindihan kung ano ang pinagkaiba ng basura at hindi.

in denial . . .

Oo ayoko tangapin na mauuwi sa basura ang mga bagay na tinago at iningatan ko ng matagal. Lalo na ung mga sobrang luma na, na kahit di na maayos ang takbo pilit ko paring gagamitin masabi lang na di pa 'to pwedeng ibasura, nakakahinayang naman marami na kaming pinagsamahan.

Pero kung iisipin mo wala rin namang silbe kung itatago mo pa, dagdag lang sa bigat ng kahon at espasyo sa kwarto... kung tutuusin ako lang naman ang umaasa na maayos pa, o baka pag pinatagal e mababawi pa ang value. Pero pano mangyayari yun kung yung Bagay mismo e matagal ng tumigil sa pagtakbo? E ba't ipipilit mo pa...?


Sabi nga nila "mas madaling magdrawing sa bagong papel kesa magbura . . . "

sandaling titig nalang . . . 'di ko na naman susubukan pang paganahin ulit e.
baka kasi pag minekaniko lalo pang masira.
'di ko nga lang talaga kayang itapon, iiwan ko nalang.

When the routine bites hard & ambitions are low

and the resentment rides highbut emotions won't grow

and we're changing our ways, taking different roads

then love, love will tear us apartagain

Love will tear us apart ~ Joy Division

Luvah-paloooseRrr!

Christmas made it first on my 'I Hate This Season List' Valentines comes second. (clueless moment : 'I have a hearts-day-jinx!?!') I noticed my "so-called" relationships has their expirations. It's weird, but often times i loose 'em (temporarily or permanently) Before or After X'mas... and comes Febuary . . . I'm a clean slate! IM CURSED!?!

Valentine's

Bites!!!

i used to be okau gettin chocolates & greetin card that reads "LOve Mama & Papa" and having to spend valentines dinner with parents, and now i dont even have that! I hardly ever had a decent v-date! . . . 'xcept for a post-valentine's dinner turned lunch centuries after! when my date choose to take his MOM out on the 14th instead of ME!?! 'corz the better part of me knows he wasn't with his mom.

I passed by nagtahan on the way home... Dangwa is happening! its like ULTRA and im secretly praying for a WOWOWEE stampede part 2! "10 injured 90 dead the rest missing all lovesick men in their 17's and 20's." Guys of all sizes and shapes (trust me they were of sizes and shapes hehe) was there in a hype to get their girl roses or tulips or kahit sampaguita nalang hoping that'll get them to score tonight! wooo! (surrre.. i'm sooo meaaannnn. bitter e!)

Now how come no one ever sent me flowers on a valentine!? not even WEED! 'tho my cyber date did email me one... does that count? Girls love flowers.. we say we dont but we really do.

I wish i could skip today and shift to tomorrow. My guess is mom and dad secretly went out for dinner or concert without me. There's chocolates in the freezer, bet its from my sister's jolog's admirer. My brother has a date ofcourse, but the guy doesnt have money! guess they just gonna stay home (ewww... i hope he's wise enough to use protection!). I can't even date my best buds coz of my work schedule. I did get an invitation tho... but i'd rather be alone and miserable than be with mr. sextoys pervert or obsessed-cant-take-the hint freak! And my former date. .. he's probably out with some Dumb FHM Chic named . . . . .
(Listen! He's lying about his age! he's probably even lying about his real name!!! But i'm sure you're too stupid to figure that out!?! or maybe he's keeping you too busy for you to even care... uh. . . . ouch.)

And as for me . . . My "i'll-do-anything-for-you" prince charming turned "don’t-talk-to-me-for-good-i-don’t-wanna-hear-anything-from-you-anymore-ever!"
who was suppose to be "the" valentine, well . . . . just gone . . . Cold.
sad thing is i can do nothing about it... but be 'okay' with it. how long i need to pretend that im okay, who knows? arrrghhh!!!! CAUTION: I'm a bubble waiting to explode step back!

So yeah I’m dateless… im one of those “luva-pal-oo-sers” as Nicole collectively named us. The class cutie even asked me if i made plans for valentines, told him i got better things to do and besides we have work... As If! and I aint gonna throw him the same question he'd prolly go on detail how he plan to spend it with his loooongterm gf... I DONT WANNA HEAR IT! *bitching strike one!* I gave everyone at the office hugs & kisses to cover up my vday bitching, twas 12% VAT holdup! our country's poor yet everyone affords to buy overpriced chocolates and flowers 5 times the usual price which will end up dry and dead and stinky tomorrow all coz of this stupid day! *bitching strike two!* I'm suing hallmark! pressuring people to be extra sweet and mushy for one day! I had pink on mind to wear for work today, but since its valentines i wore all black instead in protest! I find this insufferable.... Valentine's should be marked out the calendar! I wonder how many signatures i need to make it happen.... i'm signing the first one right now!

i'm down with the valentine's day bombers! I hope everyone who's celebrating valentines breaks up tomorrow or get pregnant or get AIDS or something... *bitching strike three! YOURE OUT!!!*

no way November will see our goodbye when it comes to December its obvious why...
no one wants to be alone at Christmastime. . .

come January we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times. . .
February won't you be my Valentine . . .
and we'll both be safe until St. Patrick's Day - John Mayer

Who's your angel bitch!?!

all i need is just a lil bit... not a lot baby girl, just a lil bit... a lil bit of this, a lil bit of that... let me put it this way... angel bitch... a girl who knows when to be my angel, and when to be my... angel ;)

"Ipagpalit mo nako sa sampu... wag lang sa isa."

- some tagalog flick


Sorry for the word but FUCCCCKKKKK!!!!
that's a capital F. U. C and K to you and 50 cent and your angel whoever that bitch is!
I aint suppose to feel this way... but everytime the balls on my side u keep on taking it from me. countless times i tried to stand my ground, free from it and walk away. But just a nudge from u gets me all spinning back... falling down... head first. I know you're bad for me.. you have always been. and in the long run i know its going nowhere and yet...

to be continued. . . or not.

Tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace .
when you love someone but it goes to waste . . .

When you're too in love to let it go . . .

… But if you never try then you'll never know
Just What Your Worth.

– Fix U / Coldplay X&Y

then i guess i'll never know.

time's up! pass your papers...

To start with i ain't no blogger... for reason that i got nothin to say? just tryin out this great medium to get shit outta my system and into cyberspace... ' just me ranting about all my frustrations... i ain't expecting anyone to bare with this... Man! i knew i shuld've just named this blog 'the toilet' (a personal space where i drop my shit, hoping it get flushedout so my life wont be so stinky!) ill get to that later.

"The thing is... there really is no nice
way of breaking the news that IT'S
OVER!"

I hate math... I've accepted long time ago that I am mathematically challenged. This has nothing to do with anything really... just remembering how scared I get every time Mrs. Bell, (our math teacher/psychic) gives those long quizzes, maybe I’m the only one who finds it long? its all but a 10 item exam, then ur required to make freakin long solutions.. and for some reason, though im prepared.. comes game time its like f*ck! I Black Out! numbers makes me nervous, especially if it’s paired with Xs and Ys. I remember not once but tons of final exams where I feel like vomiting... in my head I was thinking "i know this shit! think fast... my seatmate aint finishing soon, no way of getting answers from her paper... and why won't she let me copy hers! tangina selfish! u know this!?! goddamit start writing something!!!"

40 mins passed still a blank paper. i have no solution to this damn problem 'wala bang magpapasa ng papel na may sagot!?! by this time il be roaming my eyes round finding hope in the faces of my classmates...nothing there? try the walls and ceilings... Oh no! why she starin at me? guess my teacher smelled my desparation … here’s where I pretend that there’s a genius at work in my head... look up! wrinkle your forehead n start to mumble something to yourself... pretend solving this formula on ur head with matching pen writing in the air, as if its far brilliant than writing the solution on paper... holy shit! but she's Psychic! WOOO Now I wonder whether she's aware I was clueless the whole time!? i guess i'll never know.

Then she goes and checks her watch, this is that part where im freakin out screamin inside! Lord 'please wala bang magpapakopya??? sure in awhile she'll say something like "girls (or shall i say gelsss...) 10 more minutes..." and i knew then after that 10 friggin minutes she's gonna Break the News... that's gonna break my heart... and is gonna make my mom wanna break my neck when she sees my report card!!! Oh God Kill Me Now... and just like that "Time's up... Pass your papers, No late papers will be accepted..."

"Sino tinakot nito? Well guess what! whether my paper gets in late or not wont make a difference, its blank anyways ha! ha! so who's stupid now.. me or you?"

uhh okay. . . . hmmm. . .

"Is it just me? or there really is a saying that 'in Life The End is just The Beginning'...?"
seriously... i find this one creepy!

Speaking of endings... tito passed away this afternoon, he's my dad's brother. I was close to tito when i was young. They own this sari-sari store. that store's a legend! its open 24 hours way before 7eleven existed. I visit every afternoon, magma-mano then ill work my charms so i can get free coke solo or monay na may peanut butter or keso!

Tito's a funny guy... especially when he's drunk! i dunno how many redhorse he had his lifetime... he also walks funny like a penguin, feet apart (up to now im not quite sure if that was intentional) when i think of him my memory always has Frank or Nat King Cole playin in the background, he always ask me if i knew those songs... sometimes he asks me to dance. 'twas cool back when i was young, as i grew older the farther i stand from the dance area of their living room... it's embarrassing to be asked to dance especially when your already fifteen!

I remember everyone thinks he's Chinese coz he really looks like aged jackie chan! my dad calls him incheck beho! but that cant be coz we got no chinese blood! damn! (nothing against chinese) i just remembered this interview i had when they thought i was chinese thats why i was hired! am not!

Going back, Tito Ruben was a real cool guy... i know u think i should be mourning right now but frankly i don't feel like he’s gone... I feel that when i go visit them he'd still be there... just as i remember him, alive and funny.

saw him the night before he died... Scenarios like this aint new to me... lying in bed, lookin soo thin, breathing slow, tubes everywhere, bedsores name it! both my lola's were bedridden for months almost a year before they passed away, my favorite tita suffered the same and my mom 'the martyr' that she is took care of all of them... twas hard looking at them in that state, you wanna believe they'll recover but part of you knows that its better to let the pain they’re suffering just go away... It's kinda sick knowing that when u pray and ask God to rid of the their pain is same as asking God to take them soon... sad but you start to consider dying as an option. Whats there left?

But somehow i think it's fortunate that they get to have a moment before everythings taken from them. They get to have that 10 more minutes... not just them but all of us their families were given the chance to undo, continue, be sorry or say thank you, change or just leave things as it is .. untill someone breaks the news that Time is up! It's over... pass your papers...

As for me, I remember all of them at their best! i have great childhood experiences and these people were part of that. I choose to remember them this way... gone for long relaxing happy vacation. Wherever you guys are now i hope you aint feeling any pain no more... thanks for being great lola's and tito and tita...

till we meet again... please don't visit me.

"You know It's Over when
someone opens the idea of being
just friends... "

It's hard putting an end on something that hasn't even started... especially if youre aware that it's possible you'll never find something or someone like that in this lifetime... The irony of it all is that you know and youre positively sure about how u feel for that person, but you also know there's NO potential future for both of you and as much as u want to prolong the great thing both of you shares... you know in the end it aint goin nowhere... and giving it up is the best thing to do.

Last night, i finally and officially said goodbye to that person who im sure i completely fell inlove with... im still loving and would always fill a missing piece in me. For some reason he's part of my system... and just like any other love stories, they usually dont end up with their great love... i have no basis other than what i feel... and its tells me that he was my great love.

Thinking about it now... from the beginning it's bound to be a failure, it was all wrong... the timing was wrong, the decisions made were wrong... everything was except what i felt... thats the only thing i was sure of... and loving you was the right thing to do... i have no regrets.

We were given 10 more minutes, but we know its not enough... it will never be enough to undo what happend. We were given alot of chances... but what we always do is leave things as it is. No one was brave enough to make the first move, maybe coz were both confident that things aint gonna be over for us anytime soon... till last night where we finally get to the point where we know its way past deadline and that we have to decide what to make of what we started that never really began...

The answer was there the whole time, were just not brave enough to acknowledge it... the hard fact that soon its gonna be over... and now we are over! done with... time's up! pass your papers... and move on...


There's so much i wanna tell you... so much... but i can't anymore... im glad that youre happy for me, i hope in time i can do the same for you... just keep that door open.

Thought you were my first love . . .
But it was just dumb love . . . technically.-
Comfortable/ Paolo Santos